I sometimes get a little deep inside my head, and begin thinking what Sweetie has euphenistically termed "cosmic thoughts". These are the thoughts that make me wonder if I'm on the right track; that find me worrying about the state of the world and wondering if things will ever improve; or wondering if I can possibly have a positive effect on a world that seems so completely effed up. They're the thoughts that sometimes center around how I spend my time and wonder if I'm supposed to be more "productive", more "type A" or something. Lately I've been having lots of cosmic thoughts around my work, my free time, and how I ought to proceed with both.
It is not enough for me to be able to say: "I am".
I want to know who I am, and in relation to whom I live.
It is not enough for me to ask questions;
I want to know how to answer the one question
that seems to encompass everything I face:
what am I here for?
What is the meaning of my being?
My quest is not for theoretical knowledge about myself.
What I look for is not how to gain a firm hold on myself
and on life, but primarily how to live a life that would
deserve and evoke an eternal Amen.
--Gates of Repentance
I have a hard time knowing how to proceed lately. Multiple corners of my life seem lacking, incomplete; I feel a little like I'm just sort of flailing about uselessly and I'd like to figure out how to be of real use, how to use my gifts and skills in the best way possible. I'd like to feel like I haven't wasted my time over the last number of years, especially since I left graduate school. Some days it is just really hard to know if I've made the best choices for myself. I'm in one of those times where I feel like I am questioning a lot about myself and my life, and it's not exactly a delightful place to be. I think I am struggling to grow in some new direction, and I'd really like to have more clarity than I feel like I'm getting so far.
8 comments:
Hey Beth,
I've got no great words of wisdom here other than to note we all get a little cosmicky (sp?) now and then. Well, those of us who are somewhat interesting and somewhat interested in things anyway.
You're one of the interesting ones, you ride bikes and you try not to be an ass. That puts you in the kind of club I want to be in.
Sometimes it sucks when you're getting ready for something and you really don't know what it is you're getting ready for. But when it gets here, you'll be ready. Ready enough anyway.
I hope that you can find a little more peace of mind. I just finished up a blog entry of my own regarding my own search for purpose and direction. Please take a look if you would like. I don't know if we are struggling in the same way, but I hope that it gets better for you.
For one thing, your blog posts are truly engaging to those of us out here--they are a means by which our personalities touch, after all, and they give comfort and lessen the existential loneliness and all that.
And turning wrenches, even acting as buyer, at work is all part of that. Even cave dwellers used technology.
A bicycle headlamp, for example-despite its deep involvement in industrial capitalism--allows the buyer to immerse themselves in more of the world--the night world, in this case--than a constraining and non-convivial technology such as cars.
In your work, by guiding people away from decisions shaped by marketing BS, or by fixing their bikes, you're granting them a freedom to move that doesn't cut them off from the physical and social worlds.
All this is aside from your relationship with Sweetie and your immediate friends.
This is what we do. We talk, touch, travel together. Your work and words bring people together rather than push them apart--and bring them closer to their own lives and environment too, in your case through promotion of cycling.
All in all, you are good stuff, I think.
@ Rickrise: Woke up much too early this morning, tossing and turning. Sweetie couldn't sleep either. We talked for two hours about our worries and fears, and about this "lateral drift" I seem to be experiencing right now.
The thing to do, it seems, is to stay open and tell others you're drifting, trying to see what's next. I hope eventually it will be clearer. Thanks for your words.
The unexamined life is not worth living
- Socrates
Too much examining can give you headaches
-Evo
In all seriousness, it is good to ask the questions, just don't obsess over the answers. You are loved, have friends, and contribute to society. Lots of folks with money, power and things can't say that.
I know what you're thinking. Evo, who is Socrates ?
@ Evo: Even nice Jewish girls like me had to read Socrates in school.
Hey Beth,
As a regular follower of your blog, I'm repeatedly amazed at how parallel our lives seem. I often feel like your blog posts express how I am feeling or how I have felt about things and this one is no exception. I seem to be in a similar state of mind right now. And you're right, it's not a very comfortable place to be.
I, too, find myself questioning so many aspects of my life and wondering if I should be doing more. I also feel like things are so bleek in the world and that the problems seem insurmountable. It's hard to be one of the conscious among so many unconscious. I think that the fact we have "cosmic thoughts" indicates that we are on track...even if it seems that our track diverges from that of many others.
Thanks for posting your thoughts and for letting me know I'm not alone in this struggle.
hey beth! i feel the same way yo! just go pedal a bike and smile! :) i wore your co-op shirt like 3xs this week and i always think of you when i do. great comment on the newest bike racing post on DC, thanks for sharing, you always have something thoughtful and intelligent to add to the conversation. xo.
Post a Comment