I sometimes get a little deep inside my head, and begin thinking what Sweetie has euphenistically termed "cosmic thoughts". These are the thoughts that make me wonder if I'm on the right track; that find me worrying about the state of the world and wondering if things will ever improve; or wondering if I can possibly have a positive effect on a world that seems so completely effed up. They're the thoughts that sometimes center around how I spend my time and wonder if I'm supposed to be more "productive", more "type A" or something. Lately I've been having lots of cosmic thoughts around my work, my free time, and how I ought to proceed with both.
It is not enough for me to be able to say: "I am".
I want to know who I am, and in relation to whom I live.
It is not enough for me to ask questions;
I want to know how to answer the one question
that seems to encompass everything I face:
what am I here for?
What is the meaning of my being?
My quest is not for theoretical knowledge about myself.
What I look for is not how to gain a firm hold on myself
and on life, but primarily how to live a life that would
deserve and evoke an eternal Amen.
--Gates of Repentance
I have a hard time knowing how to proceed lately. Multiple corners of my life seem lacking, incomplete; I feel a little like I'm just sort of flailing about uselessly and I'd like to figure out how to be of real use, how to use my gifts and skills in the best way possible. I'd like to feel like I haven't wasted my time over the last number of years, especially since I left graduate school. Some days it is just really hard to know if I've made the best choices for myself. I'm in one of those times where I feel like I am questioning a lot about myself and my life, and it's not exactly a delightful place to be. I think I am struggling to grow in some new direction, and I'd really like to have more clarity than I feel like I'm getting so far.