Today’s Coffeeneuring ride was hard for me.
I’d slept poorly. The cats woke me at 5:30 am, demanding to be fed. My joints ached with the onset of cooler, wetter days, and I was sorely tempted to just chuck it all today and call my Challenge done.
It has been harder to ride a bike since coming out of Long Covid. Most of my symptoms have abated, except for occasional spikes in heart rate after exertion and dizziness pretty much anytime I turn my head or body to one side or the other. My doctor does not know whether the dizziness is from the Long Covid, from my aging process, or both. But she keeps encouraging me to find ways to stay physical active if I can.
Then, there’s the depression and anxiety, both of which have taken on new shades with conflicting diagnoses of ADHD and now PTSD. These issues have left me reeling, as both have come later in life. I’ve learned that I tick most of the boxes for both; and there is no definitive way to tell them apart without more extensive — and expensive — testing that’s not covered by Medicaid. So I’m doing my best to stay busy and work with a counselor while I await a disability determination. I’ll probably be denied, as everyone is the first time around. Do I want to appeal? I don’t know. Either way, I turn 62 in a few months, and will file for regular Social Security regardless to help ease the financial concerns, since I can no longer work full time at a regular job.
Riding my bike has come less frequently since Coming back from Long Covid. It’s possible that I will never regain the strength and endurance I had before, and the balance issues will probably not subside fully. It takes me .pinger on the bike to actually enjoy riding now, and with the arrival of typical fall weather I know my riding will probably taper off a great deal.
I probably — definitely — broke some rules with this seventh ride. I repeated an event (Coffee Outside), though it was held in a different location. I brought a thermos of coffee from home. And I went multimodal, as I do now with most rides over two miles each way because of the balance stuff.
And honestly, I sort of don’t care.
I’m glad to still be able to ride a bike at all and still enjoy it. I’m glad to still be able to enjoy bike-based social gatherings, even if they are fewer and shorter. And I’m glad that I can still peel off my wet layers and make some hot soup after a rainy ride, and enjoy the warmth returning to my hands and feet.
But all in all, riding a bicycle doesn’t take the precedence in my life that it used to. And that has been a strange thing to notice, after decades of living a true bicycle life. I’m older, slower and creakier now. My overall health is no longer what I can call robust, even on good days.
I’m working with my counselor on something called Acceptance and Commitment, and therapeutic approach often used with people who’ve had years of complex trauma and also are dealing with a lot of loss. It involves recognizing one’s losses and taking time to really grieve them, something our workaday world with its demands of near-constant productivity doesn’t easily afford or honor. Daily physical activity is supposed to help, so on my good days I still do something. On the harder days, when the balance is really wobbly or my arthritis is hurting, I try to give myself some grace and rest when I need to.
So I can’t say whether or not I’ll try to add any more rides for my Challenge this year.
While the admins may not agree, I’ve done my seven rides. So if I don’t have the emotional or physical spoons to do any more, I’m giving myself permission to call it good.
It was a lovely morning, even if it was cold and wet. We met at a grade school on the edge of Ladd’s Addition, where there’s a little covered play area made of wood. It’s perfect for congregating and sharing conversation, coffee and baked goods (including, today, chocolate babka).
I also enjoyed watching someone try to ride an odd bike. It was too tall for me to try (which is probably a good thing), but reports from other riders assured me it was not an optimal experience and I wasn’t really missing out.
NOTE: Thanks to Xfinity Essentials (aka poor people’s WiFi) deliberately slowing down my internet at home, I am unable to add photos, even one, without everything freezing up.
I may try to add them at my Instagram, but if I’m not successful, there’s nothing I can do and you’ll just have to take it on faith that I rode today.
Happy riding.
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