Lately it doesn't feel like enough.
The world is a mess, I'm struggling with depression and -- to be frank -- something akin to poverty (we're not hopeless, we still live in a house, but we are really broke and barely have the ability to pay our bills and I can't seem to find work).
So far most of the last six months, when I go coffeeneuring I take coffee I made at home, sneak it in, grab a table and try to look like a customer.
Today I couldn't do it. I couldn't pretend to be middle class or anything remotely close to it.
So today I stayed home. Without a regular job, there's nowhere for me to really ride to -- especially when most of my local friends all work and have jobs with regular hours and I'd ride alone.
So yeah, that's what depression and being poor look like.
I am seriously considering selling off the nice bikes and riding a piece of crap that's less likely to attract thieves.
because if they want your bike, they will take it.
Below: A bike rack outside The Fresh Pot last summer, where someone with a Sawz-All tried to but through a rack. I assume that if they hadn't attracted attention or something, they would've stayed long enough to finish the job.
On my bad days I feel like crap (physically and emotionally), and I can't do much of anything useful and I feel like just giving up.
The freelancing thing is exhausting and stressful, so stressful that I haven't had enough energy to actually create new music in awhile because I'm using all my available energy to find ways to make money so we can pay our bills.
So that's what it's like to be me these days.
Which is why I think I'm going to stop posting her, at least for awhile.
It takes energy to curate the few good experiences I DO have, and I really need that energy for other things right now. I feel, in fact, a lot like that bike rack looks. Not entirely broken, but pretty raw and vulnerable and really beat.
So I'm taking a break.
Ride safely, please.