Tuesday, January 16, 2018

taking a break

Portland has been graced with a few really nice, unseasonably warm days this month. So I got out and rode my bike.

Lately it doesn't feel like enough.

The world is a mess, I'm struggling with depression and -- to be frank -- something akin to poverty (we're not hopeless, we still live in a house, but we are really broke and barely have the ability to pay our bills and I can't seem to find work).
So far most of the last six months, when I go coffeeneuring I take coffee I made at home, sneak it in, grab a table and try to look like a customer.
Today I couldn't do it. I couldn't pretend to be middle class or anything remotely close to it.
So today I stayed home. Without a regular job, there's nowhere for me to really ride to -- especially when most of my local friends all work and have jobs with regular hours and I'd ride alone.
So yeah, that's what depression and being poor look like.

I am seriously considering selling off the nice bikes and riding a piece of crap that's less likely to attract thieves.

because if they want your bike, they will take it.

Below: A bike rack outside The Fresh Pot last summer, where someone with a Sawz-All tried to but through a rack. I assume that if they hadn't attracted attention or something, they would've stayed long enough to finish the job.

I am struggling with depression, lack of employment and frankly, a lack of interest. On my good days, I can do things and feel pretty good. When I'm done, I feel tired from the effort.
On my bad days I feel like crap (physically and emotionally), and I can't do much of anything useful and I feel like just giving up.

The freelancing thing is exhausting and stressful, so stressful that I haven't had enough energy to actually create new music in awhile because I'm using all my available energy to find ways to make money so we can pay our bills.

So that's what it's like to be me these days.
Which is why I think I'm going to stop posting her, at least for awhile.
It takes energy to curate the few good experiences I DO have, and I really need that energy for other things right now. I feel, in fact, a lot like that bike rack looks. Not entirely broken, but pretty raw and vulnerable and really beat.
So I'm taking a break.
Ride safely, please.


Nancy said...

I hope you don’t have to sell your “better” bike as getting out for a ride on your favorite bike is very likely the best you can do for yourself when depression starts to hit. I think you should not worry one bit about taking coffee from home for your stops, and the actual riding doesn’t cost anything so I hope you will continue to ride. Seeing your photos has been great and I enjoy seeing parts of your town from your bike saddle and reading your stories. Photo safaris could be a reason to ride ;’-). I think I may have mentioned this before, and perhaps you are not interested, but “Bicycle Ride & Seek” on facebook gives other good ideas and reasons for a ride. Check it out as I think it might just be something right up your alley — or interest.
Hoping everything will work out for you two and that this will start to become a better year for you.

bikelovejones said...

Thanks, Nancy. I'll take a look at your suggestion online. Happy riding!

Jay said...

Hi Beth, A break will probably help you quite a bit. I will send good thoughts your way that steadier work comes along and you feel better. Jay

bikelovejones said...

Thank you, Jay. I am using the energy I have to do very short spurts of work on the refugee bikes project. If I can't ride maybe someone else can, and I'll still connected to bicycles. Cheers.