Saturday, May 22, 2021

Out of breath and out of shape

A entire winter off the bike (from those eye surgeries), combined with Seasonal Affective Disorder, IBS and Eating My Feelings has led to where I am now.
I am trying gamely to ride my bike every day. Once I've gotten going it'sa pleasant and enjoyable, though horribly slow. But the first half-mile is awful. My knees hurt, I am out of breath and out of shape, and I resent myself for all the ways in which I've let myself go.

This narrative alternates with the one where I feel lousy and underslept (almost every day), where I still can't eat a balanced diet because of my autoimmune issues, and where some days I get so depressed and/or fatigued that it is all I can do to get dressed and leave the house.

Somewhere in the middle is a more accurate combination of all the whys and hows that got me to this point.

Still, the days are longer now, the longest they'll be all year very soon, and the weather is warming up. As more people get vaccinated, masks are coming off. We had a lovely visit in the yard today with my Mother-In-Love (who was finally able to fly up and see us and HUG us after 15 months) and a dear local friend whose husband died in January. Masks off, hugs, smiles and stories.

Last night we went out for dinner to a favorite restaurant whose seating indoors and out was so spacious that no one wore masks once they were seated. And it felt, well, normal again.

Sweetie and I are going to visit her mom next month, one of several visits to help her clear out the pile of detritus left over from Roger's death (and lifelong penchant for saving everything). If possible, I may play a gig while I'm there; or just take my guitar into town and busk a few hours each day.

It has been very challenging to come up with new material, to write new songs, without self-censoring every five minutes. But I'm hacking away a little at a time and hopeful that eventually the creative juices will flow again.

COVID has done a serious number on me, on my life and livelihood and well-being. I wonder if I will gain back everything, or even most of, what strength and flexibility and endurance I've lost.

Tomorrow, I'll go for a ride and try to get myself back a little bit more again.

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