tough week, continued

Hey, so if you read my last post, you know that I live with depression, and it was on grand display.

I also live with Crohn's.
Crohn's and depression intersect, and in fact people with Crohn's are twice as likely to also have clinical depression as the general population. Considering that Crohn's is an auto-immune disease, this comes as no surprise to me, at least intellectually.
Emotionally, I've spent a lifetime in denial of just how bad things can get.
But things are getting harder.

I haven't felt like riding as much or as long over the past several months.
Over the last month or so, I've begun to lose my appetite.
I struggle with physical and emotional fatigue far more often.
And today, I will be scheduling appointments with my GI doc for more tests. He strongly suspects that in addition to the Crohn's, I've likely developed C Diff as well (an infection that commonly happens in folks with compromised auto-immune systems). I am experiencing symptoms that point clearly to that diagnosis.

C Diff is difficult to treat, and can mask symptoms of Crohn's, making that harder to treat as well.
It also means that my immune system is even more compromised than previously thought.
I may have to limit my travel and take strong, potentially harmful antibiotics to treat it.
The more complex my Crohn's becomes, the harder and more costly it becomes to treat, and the more I and my doctors will have to fight with insurance companies to get the treatments covered. because I am basically unemployed right now and have no job prospects on the horizon, other than whatever I can do as a freelancer. And right now, that's pretty thin.
In short, things could get harder. And I am scared, exhausted and depressed.

So maybe I won't finish the Coffeeneuring Challenge, on time or at all.
Maybe I won't care.
Maybe the whole bike repair thing for refugee resettlement takes a back seat for awhile.
And maybe I don't know what comes next.

I may choose to share more here. If you find it too depressing and choose to take a break, that's cool.
Maybe I'll get back to the bike stuff before too long, maybe not. Sorry.
Things are looking pretty damned dark right now.